Rewind

I just found these pictures...

(nevermind they are a month old and I'm just getting around to uploading them)

We had snow!
The school-stopping, traffic-slowing, parent-teacher conference
canceling kind that extended our Thanksgiving break by 2 days.

The kids loved sledding, making angels, pulling each other
around on sleds.... also spending 30 minutes crying about
not having the pants, gloves, hat, coat they were looking for,
5 minutes to get outside while the house gets cold,
playing outside about 10 minutes,
dumping all their wet gear on the floor
and demanding hot chocolate.

But maybe that's just how I see it.

Even still, there is something magic about snow and
I hope that we get more of it this winter.

I wanted to make Thanksgiving special for the kiddos
and involve them in our pie day on Wednesday.

Carver is a natural at whacking graham crackers to smithereens.

And Grace takes butter very seriously.

I really should have these girls help me more because it's
actually helpful once we agree to perfect fairness in taking turns.

I made more pies, but I was All. Done. with helpers.
It wasn't the cozy, happy kitchen moment I imagined.
But maybe they'll still think of me fondly when they grow up?

Here's Ellie on Thanksgiving. Don't over-do it, honey!
She makes me laugh. And she didn't have seconds.
Which reaffirms my belief that an entire day of pies and
4 solid hours of cooking might be wasted on these kids.

oh, but I'm so grateful for them anyway. :)
And for Derek's good job, a warm house, good schools, great friends, running, books, the Gospel of Jesus Christ, prayer, the scriptures, our health and wonderful extended family.

We are so blessed.

Hope

I went for a run with some good friends last night in the rain. It helped. And so did the hot chocolate and snickers bar I had when I got home. :)

But the real peace came as I was looking for inspiration for a church lesson. I was flipping through the New Testament and came to one of my favorite passages in John, chapter 9.

1 And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth. UAdd a Note

2 And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?

3 Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him. UAdd a Note

I opened right to this and knew, remembered actually, that God knows me and He knows Carver and that He's going to help us. I'm not ever really alone in this struggle to be a good mom to him.

That was a sweet, sweet feeling - better than hot chocolate.

Then this morning, I opened our latest church magazine and read this article about helping people with disabilities and was struck again by how much God knows me and how much He loves me and speaks to me, even when I look for peace in inferior places.

The next article I found was about the power of the Savior's Atonement to heal and make right everything that is hard in our lives, anything that discourages us. Elder Tad Callister wrote about Mary and Joseph, their visitations from the angel and his words to them, "fear not."

Elder Callister said:

"The angel’s counsel for Mary and Joseph to “fear not” was more than customized instruction for their individual problems. It was a universal salutation for all people because Mary and Joseph would play a unique role in the Savior’s ministry, which ministry would make it possible to eliminate all fears of all people of all ages."

He continues:

"Mary and Joseph learned one of the most powerful lessons of life: if you believe in the Atonement and do God’s will, you need not fear because there will always be a solution to your problems."

I knew these things, but oh - how I needed to remember them today! I am humbled by these perfect answers and have renewed hope. This is still hard, we're still going to have really bad days. But I know that there is a solution to all of this somewhere and that what really needs to happen will work out and everything else must not matter as much as I think.

I am so grateful to KNOW that I'm a daughter of Heavenly Father who loves me.

Just words

I've got to write. Vent. Get it all out there.

To put it lightly, we've been having a major insurance saga at our house. The new plan, leaving the SLP is well covered in a previous post. I thought we'd found a silver lining to changes that I didn't welcome and it's all come crashing down.

Our plan doesn't cover therapy for developmental delays. Period. I cried again. Then I got to work finding out about possible scholarship options, discounts for paying out of pocket, etc... One therapy center has a "great" scholarship program, that allows us to pay only 40% of the visit. (That's still $50/week). So we started there and it was so disappointing. The therapist was a bad fit for Carver, disciplined him over and over and expected him to sit in a chair for therapy and play with a few lame-o toys. You've got to know Carver to understand the lunacy in that. $50/week for torture doesn't make sense. I canceled right away, much to her bewilderment. I can go back to our old SLP and pay $70/week for something that actually works. IF she has a spot for us.

Meanwhile, I'd already had Plan B figured out and they thought it was worth an evaluation to see if any of their diagnostic/therapy codes would be approved. I agreed. Today was the day and Lakeside Center for Autism is an AMAZING place. Truly. I met with a SLP (that was highly recommended), an OT and a Teacher Extraordinaire. I learned so much from them. The OT was all over the sensory processing disorder, breaking it down again into how each piece works in Carver's particular case. I wish I could've spent all day with her, playing with Carver and helping me understand him better. The SLP was also very impressive. He was Carver's favorite because he played with him. Carver called him "Dr. Dan" (do you have that book? It's darling.) and it was all about, "come here, come play!" They hung up necklaces on the plastic jungle gym as "christmas lights" and jumped into big pillows that were "hot lava." There were swings and a pop up tent and whistles and sticks that Carver used for so many things. In the midst of all that play, he totally nailed Carver's speech. His inconsistencies are an indicator of apraxia, but also of his sensory processing disorder. He caught something I hadn't noticed - his speech ability fluctuates based on how regulated he is in terms of sensory needs. The educator talked about behavioral therapy and how they'd work on skills like sitting and attending to tasks he doesn't like. Attending is a huge challenge for Carver. "If he'd only pay attention!!" The really amazing part is that all their therapy would be sensory in nature. They'd be on equipment, they'd take breaks or start with play that would stimulate him and meet his sensory needs so he could focus on the work they needed to do. They recommended 2 hrs ST, 2 hrs OT, 2 hrs behavioral therapy a week.

In a nutshell, it was perfect. I was sitting there thinking that these 3 specialists understood Carver and knew exactly how to help him. I came home, called insurance and nope, nope, nope. Nothing qualifies.

And now I'm stuck in a bad dream. You know those ones where you are looking for someone/something and you can't ever quite get there? That's me. I know what we need, I'm reaching and stretching and can never get it. It's forever out of reach. Today could've made it worse to see the perfect fit and know I can't have it. Their recommendations are about $900/week out of pocket. Really and truly. Let's say we did half of that. $450/week. Or maybe even 2 visits a week - $300/week. That's still $1200/month!!

This leads me to the next bad dream I live in. I know there is help somewhere for families like us. There are grants, scholarships, government programs out there. I know there are. But I am fumbling around in the dark, searching for the right place to look. It's like a tiny scrap of paper in a big empty room. It's frustrating that I keep going in circles and looking in the same places that never work out. I wish I could see the whole picture, how insurance and therapy and funding all work together. or maybe there is someone out there who helps people like me, just a couple hours every once in awhile to help ME know how to help CARVER. I want so desperately to help him and I can't do it alone, but here I am. All alone, crying and typing and praying to know what to do next.

--------------------------

Sigh. I'm back, feeling more balanced and less panicked.
We'll get through this. We always do.
We don't live in the Best house, drive the Best car
or wear the Best clothes.
I know that Carver doesn't have to have the Best therapy
to be happy or successful in life.
I'm just going to have to do the BEST that I can.

and then get over it! :)

November Part II

Some of this was actually October... maybe. Or maybe it just feels that long ago that there were leaves in our trees. :) Lydia finished up her 4th season of soccer. Carver was her biggest fan because he always went to the games. We've finally stopped dragging the whole family every time she plays since it's so often cold, but Carver is Mr. Impervious so he doesn't mind. And it helps tremendously to get him out of the house on a Saturday, both for his sake and the sake of the parent who is trying to get something done at home!

Ellie and Lydia ran in their first race! A turkey trot not far from here - a 1K for the kiddos and a 5K for me. It was perfect. They got t-shirts, medals and a number to put on the Howell wall of fame. I loved the course and the distance of mine. It didn't rain or snow, so we were very grateful.

Grace is as that funny age where she falls asleep in random places. One day I walked downstairs and didn't see her. Upon closer inspection of the lumpy blanket on the floor, I realized she'd curled up inside the blanket and fallen asleep completely enclosed! I opened up an air hole and warned the kids when they got home from school not to step on their sister. She's so tiny you really couldn't tell unless you saw her face. And she's a slow, picky eater so falling asleep at the table comes with the territory. I love it.

I'm DETERMINED to blog more.
It's my pre-New Year's Resolution. ;)

November's last chance

Where does the time go?! I swear November just started and here it is over already. Fall has been slipping away and Christmas is just around the corner. I really better catch up on the last couple months or I'll lose the last couple readers that I have left. :)

Carver had his 5th birthday and got a fire-fighter costume from Mom and Dad and some great fire fighter rain boots from G&G Eucker. G&G Howell gave him a superman costume that he calls "super snap" from a Backyardigans episode. We were in sad need of boy dress-up!


I ran a half marathon in October. 13 miles just after my 31st birthday, if you like those sorts of number games. And I do. :) It was awesome. I love my running friends, I love feeling totally worn out after a long run, the incredible hunger that follows and the super clean feeling of a hot shower. I'm so glad that I extended the training past Ragnar to the half. It was worth it, but what a time commitment! I am happy to be running 5Ks these days. :)

Then Halloween was upon us. Here's their finished costumes. Grace was into winking there for awhile. :) She was Snow White at the ward party, Cinderella on the 30th and Sleeping Beauty on the 31st. I sure love that dress up box!

Ellie, the pioneer girl, and fire fighter Carver.
Then Lydia as a bat.

Saturday night, we trick-or-treated to some friends in our neighborhood and then Derek took the older 2 to a trunk-or-treat at the church. Carver sampled most of his candy without finishing any of it. Dots, chocolate, smarties all mixed up in his hands and mouth. Lovely. Grace ate maybe 2 pieces - slowly and with great ceremony.

Sunday night we made caramel apples. Oh, they were SO yummy!

November's highlights coming soon....

Procrastinated Project #5

(The mystery vacation - revealed)

We flew to the Midwest the 2nd weekend of October.
Naperville. Chicago. Kalamazoo. Grand Rapids.
Family Reunion. Family Pictures. Road Trips.
5 days of fun and family!

We flew all day Wednesday, spent quality time in rush-hour traffic to eat a little Chicago-style pizza with all the family (hurray!) and find the hotel before our big day in the city.

Navy Pier:

The only shopping we did downtown... what a cool store!
(and the bags just look big. They didn't get that much...)

Up to the top of the Willis Tower (formerly Sears Tower)

Talk about freaky... walking out on the "Ledge"

Goofing around downtown, waiting for our hop-on/hop-off bus.

Riding the bus was fun, but a little chilly.

stopping for free Hershey's bars

sleeping on the bus...

The next day was the Field Museum...

Their uncle works there, of all cool things! We saw Sue - the most famous T-rex bones around. We've actually seen Sue twice. Once in Spokane. Yep, we're THAT lucky! ;)

(don't you love the family reunion T-shirts?!)

That afternoon we drove to Kalamazoo and Derek met with a client of his, who gave the kids cookies and milk and goodie bags about Michigan. Very nice!

We stayed with Derek's sister in Grand Rapids that night and went to the Meijer Gardens together the next day. It was AWESOME. Very big, very kid-friendly and such a gorgeous day.

Then we tortured the kids with family pictures.
I took snapshots while we waited our turn.

Then we played at the park and the COOLEST tire swings ever.
I took a million pictures.

The last day we drove to a beach on Lake Michigan and it was AMAZING.
The sand was like brown sugar. Literally. Color, texture, everything. It was warm and the leaves were perfect. I could live in that moment forever. Except for Ellie throwing a fit because we hadn't brought her swimsuit. I think I could live WITHOUT that moment.

No trip is without casualties. Derek left his best sweater in the Minneapolis airport and I somehow lost just one of my black church shoes before we even had church. Thankfully, Derek's sister wears my size AND has fabulous taste in shoes. :)

We drove a Ford Flex, Derek's dream car, and we really left a mess for Avis to clean up. Yikes. We found out the night before we left that Lydia had a major school project due the day we came home. Nice timing! We got in at 6 pm, ate dinner at 7ish and stayed up til 9:30 working on it with her - which was 12:30 Michigan time. Talk about tired! But what a trip!

The weather was unbelievable. We left clouds and rain and barely 60 degrees for sunshine, fall colors and 80 degrees. It was perfect! We wish we lived closer to these fun cousins and aunts and uncles, but we sure liked visiting new parts of the country to see them!

Procrastinated Project #4

Today I mopped!

And that was pretty much it. But if you make it big and bold, it sounds like something exciting. It's been one of those days that reminds me how I procrastinate in the first place. There is TOO much to do! Why would it spend it putting beads on wire when I haven't mopped in well over a week? (at other houses, that's not a problem. But it's a BIG problem the way my little man eats!)

.....................................................

And I cried like a boob at the SLP office this morning. And most of the way home. AND I still have to go back for one more week, but hopefully I'll have come to terms with my emotions and be able to give her a nice "thank-you" something or other and be okay.

Procrastinated Project #3

Today I did something unpleasant that I've been putting off for a couple weeks. Derek's company was recently acquired by a big, big, BIG company. It's good news for the partners and probably for the future of the company, but it's just pay cuts for the employees. Loss of pay combined with change in benefits (more loss of pay) = hard times for lots of folks at work. We feel blessed. It's all going to be fine. We've certainly had harder times than these!

In the shuffle of change, Carver's speech therapist (SLP) isn't covered under the new plan. We've been paying out of pocket for months now and the new plan covers 3 TIMES as many visits for a modest co-pay. (It's a major silver lining in all the changes.) I wanted to make it work to stay with our SLP, but the cut in pay makes the benefits too important to pass up. I called around to get on waiting lists (3-6 months on average) and a miracle happened. We'd been contacted earlier in the month for a local therapy center. We were out of town on the mysterious trip I've never blogged about and couldn't call before they gave the spot away. I called them today to get back on the list and she got us in immediately. It's totally amazing, a miracle in every sense. We'll save hundreds and hundreds of dollars. Maybe a thousand.

But I'm so, so sad. I've nearly cried twice today. I feel like a traitor because I've LOVED our speech therapist. She works well with Carver, she's let us scale back as our insurance wouldn't approve more visits. We go tomorrow and I have to tell her we're leaving. Is that crazy that I dread it so much?! It's for sure crazy to cry, but I will. I hate that I cry so easily. I cried last time we switched therapists, but these are special people to me - when someones makes a difference in my child's life, I guess I feel full of gratitude and loyalty even.

I'm glad I did what needed to be done, even though it was hard. In a couple weeks, I'll be so grateful that I didn't procrastinate this any longer. I wouldn't have wanted to miss the miracle, even if it's a bittersweet one.

Procrastinated Project #1 - 2

YESTERDAY'S project:


For Halloween, Ellie wanted to be a pioneer girl. But our church Harvest party happened to be the weekend we got back from a big trip to the midwest (that I never blogged about) and I was swamped. She was super understanding about her lack of costume and was a cat again for the 4th time maybe? It's the classic fall-back plan around here. For the REAL Halloween, I promised her the costume. And, while it's not the night before, I still felt like it might be high time to do something about that promise. I consulted the fabric stash in my closet and found enough fabric to pull it together yesterday. She is so grateful and happy with it, she doesn't even mind all the imperfections! Whew! It turned out pretty cute, thanks to this pattern. Gotta love free tutorials online. :)

Also, I finally called on Carver's 5 year well-check and guess what? They don't even do those. :)

TODAY'S project was to fix this necklace:


Carver accidentally broke it while flailing his legs about one day a few months ago. It was the first time I'd worn it, so I gathered all the beads to "someday" fix it. Enough of waiting around. Today was the day! It didn't take very long and I think it'll stay. I'm not a jewelry maker, so I just did a lot of wrapping and twisting of wire. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Also today, I called our doctors about our new health insurance. The news wasn't as bad as I thought and at least now we can sign up without wondering what the damage will be at every visit.

Still to come - I'm VOTING today. Then Dino Rossi can stop calling for money. :) He can have my vote instead.

Mrs. Procrastinator

I am terrible at procrastinating (or maybe I should say I'm EXCELLENT at procrastinating....) I put things off that I don't think I'll do well, things that sound intimidating and hard. Or boring. Or mundane. Or messy. Or sometimes just those projects that take a little time.

And then I feel like a failure because I always have a load of projects looming over me.

Take blogging, for example. I keep wondering what sorts of things I should blog about and never get around to it. So I'm going to use one favorite goal of mine to solve 2 problems:

DO 1 THING TODAY THAT I'VE BEEN PUTTING OFF

I get extra credit for multiple things. And I have to blog about them - at least this week.

Stay tuned.

Mommy School

This year I'm not signing myself up for classes or making goals for my own education like last year.

I'm committed 100% to "Mommy School" with Carver and Grace. Between Carver's extra needs and Grace staying home this year before starting preschool next year, they both need it. And I slacked ALL summer. No more! It's school every morning as soon as we get those big sisters out the door. :)

We start on the bus (the couch) and sing "the wheels on the bus." We prefer babies and mommies for the verses. Then we walk in a smart little line over to the table and hang up backpacks. We talk about that particular day of the week and what we have planned, we sing the ABCs and work on letters. I copied an idea from Ellie's kindergarten class and do "rainbow letters" by using many colors to trace our letters inside some bubble letters that I draw pretty incompetently. We cut out pictures of things that start with that letter and glue them into our ABC books. Whew! The hard stuff is out of the way. Then we try to find a fun thing to count or some sort of activity. I love this part.

F is for Fire and Fire Fighters. They used straws to blow away those little fires.

G is for Goggles and Gloves. I got such a kick out of that one. :)

and then it just happened that D was for Dentist last week.

In a nutshell, Grace was worried and so she held very still. She got her teeth polished and flouride-d, sprayed with water and sucked with the sucker-thing, she even got x-rays of her front teeth. It was pretty darn impressive. Carver sat on my lap and watched.

Then everything fell apart. They switched and Carver wouldn't have any of that dental stuff. (longer story on his own blog.) Grace wasn't the center of attention anymore and was Done with a capital D. We left with Carver spraying the window with some water on the tool that the assistant thought he might like to see. Or touch a lot. And spray as often as possible. :) Whew. We didn't make a 6 month appointment. I'm still recovering. At least it was free, right?

I'm swamped with school schedules and trying not to be cranky for the few hours a day I see the big girls. I think I'm ready for summer vacation. :)

First day of school - part 2

HIP HIP HURRAY!!

It's finally Carver's turn!
And boy, oh, boy am I excited.

And so is he - even if he insisted on strange faces.


We've been doing Mommy School every day this week and I am so impressed with how hard he's worked - both in writing and learning letter sounds and in other fine motor skills. It's been really rewarding to see. He and Grace LOVE it. They are such cute friends.


And just because she lets me, I took pictures of Grace while we waited for the bus to come.


Happy preschool to me!
:)

First day of school - part 1

It's not really the first day of school to ME until Carver starts on Friday... :)

For Ellie and Lydia, yesterday was the big day.

Ellie's been excited since move-up last year when she met her new teacher, but she was all grumpies in the morning. I don't think she slept well the night before. Lydia'd been savoring every minute of summer, worrying a little about starting a new school with new friends and a new (harder) Discovery Program. But then she was a happy helper all morning! Go figure.

They both came home SO incredibly excited, talking all over each other about the fun things they did and how wonderful it all is. I love the first day of school!

Carver is all out of whack from a new routine, but we're hanging in there. Grace keeps telling people she's going to preschool, too, but really she's doing "Mommy School" one more year with me.

With Ellie's old backpack. :)