Rewind

I just found these pictures...

(nevermind they are a month old and I'm just getting around to uploading them)

We had snow!
The school-stopping, traffic-slowing, parent-teacher conference
canceling kind that extended our Thanksgiving break by 2 days.

The kids loved sledding, making angels, pulling each other
around on sleds.... also spending 30 minutes crying about
not having the pants, gloves, hat, coat they were looking for,
5 minutes to get outside while the house gets cold,
playing outside about 10 minutes,
dumping all their wet gear on the floor
and demanding hot chocolate.

But maybe that's just how I see it.

Even still, there is something magic about snow and
I hope that we get more of it this winter.

I wanted to make Thanksgiving special for the kiddos
and involve them in our pie day on Wednesday.

Carver is a natural at whacking graham crackers to smithereens.

And Grace takes butter very seriously.

I really should have these girls help me more because it's
actually helpful once we agree to perfect fairness in taking turns.

I made more pies, but I was All. Done. with helpers.
It wasn't the cozy, happy kitchen moment I imagined.
But maybe they'll still think of me fondly when they grow up?

Here's Ellie on Thanksgiving. Don't over-do it, honey!
She makes me laugh. And she didn't have seconds.
Which reaffirms my belief that an entire day of pies and
4 solid hours of cooking might be wasted on these kids.

oh, but I'm so grateful for them anyway. :)
And for Derek's good job, a warm house, good schools, great friends, running, books, the Gospel of Jesus Christ, prayer, the scriptures, our health and wonderful extended family.

We are so blessed.

Hope

I went for a run with some good friends last night in the rain. It helped. And so did the hot chocolate and snickers bar I had when I got home. :)

But the real peace came as I was looking for inspiration for a church lesson. I was flipping through the New Testament and came to one of my favorite passages in John, chapter 9.

1 And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth. UAdd a Note

2 And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?

3 Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him. UAdd a Note

I opened right to this and knew, remembered actually, that God knows me and He knows Carver and that He's going to help us. I'm not ever really alone in this struggle to be a good mom to him.

That was a sweet, sweet feeling - better than hot chocolate.

Then this morning, I opened our latest church magazine and read this article about helping people with disabilities and was struck again by how much God knows me and how much He loves me and speaks to me, even when I look for peace in inferior places.

The next article I found was about the power of the Savior's Atonement to heal and make right everything that is hard in our lives, anything that discourages us. Elder Tad Callister wrote about Mary and Joseph, their visitations from the angel and his words to them, "fear not."

Elder Callister said:

"The angel’s counsel for Mary and Joseph to “fear not” was more than customized instruction for their individual problems. It was a universal salutation for all people because Mary and Joseph would play a unique role in the Savior’s ministry, which ministry would make it possible to eliminate all fears of all people of all ages."

He continues:

"Mary and Joseph learned one of the most powerful lessons of life: if you believe in the Atonement and do God’s will, you need not fear because there will always be a solution to your problems."

I knew these things, but oh - how I needed to remember them today! I am humbled by these perfect answers and have renewed hope. This is still hard, we're still going to have really bad days. But I know that there is a solution to all of this somewhere and that what really needs to happen will work out and everything else must not matter as much as I think.

I am so grateful to KNOW that I'm a daughter of Heavenly Father who loves me.

Just words

I've got to write. Vent. Get it all out there.

To put it lightly, we've been having a major insurance saga at our house. The new plan, leaving the SLP is well covered in a previous post. I thought we'd found a silver lining to changes that I didn't welcome and it's all come crashing down.

Our plan doesn't cover therapy for developmental delays. Period. I cried again. Then I got to work finding out about possible scholarship options, discounts for paying out of pocket, etc... One therapy center has a "great" scholarship program, that allows us to pay only 40% of the visit. (That's still $50/week). So we started there and it was so disappointing. The therapist was a bad fit for Carver, disciplined him over and over and expected him to sit in a chair for therapy and play with a few lame-o toys. You've got to know Carver to understand the lunacy in that. $50/week for torture doesn't make sense. I canceled right away, much to her bewilderment. I can go back to our old SLP and pay $70/week for something that actually works. IF she has a spot for us.

Meanwhile, I'd already had Plan B figured out and they thought it was worth an evaluation to see if any of their diagnostic/therapy codes would be approved. I agreed. Today was the day and Lakeside Center for Autism is an AMAZING place. Truly. I met with a SLP (that was highly recommended), an OT and a Teacher Extraordinaire. I learned so much from them. The OT was all over the sensory processing disorder, breaking it down again into how each piece works in Carver's particular case. I wish I could've spent all day with her, playing with Carver and helping me understand him better. The SLP was also very impressive. He was Carver's favorite because he played with him. Carver called him "Dr. Dan" (do you have that book? It's darling.) and it was all about, "come here, come play!" They hung up necklaces on the plastic jungle gym as "christmas lights" and jumped into big pillows that were "hot lava." There were swings and a pop up tent and whistles and sticks that Carver used for so many things. In the midst of all that play, he totally nailed Carver's speech. His inconsistencies are an indicator of apraxia, but also of his sensory processing disorder. He caught something I hadn't noticed - his speech ability fluctuates based on how regulated he is in terms of sensory needs. The educator talked about behavioral therapy and how they'd work on skills like sitting and attending to tasks he doesn't like. Attending is a huge challenge for Carver. "If he'd only pay attention!!" The really amazing part is that all their therapy would be sensory in nature. They'd be on equipment, they'd take breaks or start with play that would stimulate him and meet his sensory needs so he could focus on the work they needed to do. They recommended 2 hrs ST, 2 hrs OT, 2 hrs behavioral therapy a week.

In a nutshell, it was perfect. I was sitting there thinking that these 3 specialists understood Carver and knew exactly how to help him. I came home, called insurance and nope, nope, nope. Nothing qualifies.

And now I'm stuck in a bad dream. You know those ones where you are looking for someone/something and you can't ever quite get there? That's me. I know what we need, I'm reaching and stretching and can never get it. It's forever out of reach. Today could've made it worse to see the perfect fit and know I can't have it. Their recommendations are about $900/week out of pocket. Really and truly. Let's say we did half of that. $450/week. Or maybe even 2 visits a week - $300/week. That's still $1200/month!!

This leads me to the next bad dream I live in. I know there is help somewhere for families like us. There are grants, scholarships, government programs out there. I know there are. But I am fumbling around in the dark, searching for the right place to look. It's like a tiny scrap of paper in a big empty room. It's frustrating that I keep going in circles and looking in the same places that never work out. I wish I could see the whole picture, how insurance and therapy and funding all work together. or maybe there is someone out there who helps people like me, just a couple hours every once in awhile to help ME know how to help CARVER. I want so desperately to help him and I can't do it alone, but here I am. All alone, crying and typing and praying to know what to do next.

--------------------------

Sigh. I'm back, feeling more balanced and less panicked.
We'll get through this. We always do.
We don't live in the Best house, drive the Best car
or wear the Best clothes.
I know that Carver doesn't have to have the Best therapy
to be happy or successful in life.
I'm just going to have to do the BEST that I can.

and then get over it! :)

November Part II

Some of this was actually October... maybe. Or maybe it just feels that long ago that there were leaves in our trees. :) Lydia finished up her 4th season of soccer. Carver was her biggest fan because he always went to the games. We've finally stopped dragging the whole family every time she plays since it's so often cold, but Carver is Mr. Impervious so he doesn't mind. And it helps tremendously to get him out of the house on a Saturday, both for his sake and the sake of the parent who is trying to get something done at home!

Ellie and Lydia ran in their first race! A turkey trot not far from here - a 1K for the kiddos and a 5K for me. It was perfect. They got t-shirts, medals and a number to put on the Howell wall of fame. I loved the course and the distance of mine. It didn't rain or snow, so we were very grateful.

Grace is as that funny age where she falls asleep in random places. One day I walked downstairs and didn't see her. Upon closer inspection of the lumpy blanket on the floor, I realized she'd curled up inside the blanket and fallen asleep completely enclosed! I opened up an air hole and warned the kids when they got home from school not to step on their sister. She's so tiny you really couldn't tell unless you saw her face. And she's a slow, picky eater so falling asleep at the table comes with the territory. I love it.

I'm DETERMINED to blog more.
It's my pre-New Year's Resolution. ;)